Part two was written November 6, 2009(will be added to as time goes on)
Well, I've been struggling with things in the sex area of my life for quite a few years. My behaviors have been quite odd when it comes to regular human sex. Dont get me wrong I know humans have an endless array of sexual behaviors and activities, thats not what I mean really... I mean how do you define whats truly 'normal' for a human in a general sense anyways? What I mean by normal though, is missionary positions, sweet and passionate sex. Maybe a bit of kink but nothing anyone would find odd in a normal conversation. But this normal human variation never really got me off so to speak. it always seemed 'wrong' like it wasnt happening the way it should. I wanted it rougher, violent. I wanted it from behind with my lover biting the back of my neck. Now, when I stumbled apon therians and the more mature topics, my mouth hit the floor. My sexual behavior was that of a cat. Down to the exact detail... the rubbing around, the position, the violent parts... I couldnt believe how much my therian side effected me. I never thought of it having anything to do with my 'problem' in the bed room.
I call it a problem because the person I was with was/is human through and through. What I wanted was not what they wanted at all. sure they were willing to try new things, but I didnt want to, I knew what I wanted/needed. but it just couldnt work. We were 100% sexually incompatible. And it killed me inside because I was in love. Most humans would be like "Oh so what! sex isnt everything!" Which is true, it isnt. However, for humans touch is every important for bonding. Whether its kids, or a mate. So sex may not be everything, but the touching and bonding aspects ARE. If you cant share that important aspect everything falls apart, and it did.
I suppose I could have saved that part of our relationship from falling apart completely if I told my partner I was therian. However, I still have a hard time accepting it myself. Being therian, having this animal integrated in to my very being has caused so many difficulties in my life. Humans dont understand territorial behavior, sudden aggression, warning body movements and sounds. Everything is words, and gestures that mean nothing to a leopard. I feel like I am always partially mental shifted. because I have such hard times understanding human concepts. From labels to social etiquette to language. I just dont understand half the time.
For example one human concept that has me in a confused annoyed mess is gender. Girls like pink, boys blue. guys like trucks and getting dirty, chicks dig make up and dolls. People get upset when you dont use there correct gender pronoun. To me I dont understand at all. all gender is to me is what parts you have. You got boobs and a vajayjay... you a chick...you got a penis... you a dude! its no more complicated to me than that. I especially get annoyed when humans try to classify me as a specific gender and treat me as such. I push carts at walmart and I am a 5'2" 120lb woman. I constantly get sexist remarks by customers, and my co-workers in charge of carry outs dont think I can lift anything, and I have to constantly prove to men in my life that I am worthy of 'male' status(which is apparently higher than 'woman' status), all because I have a vagina and not a penis. really I dont understand at all. I always try to gain 'male' status because once you've gained it in human society, your no longer coddled and treated as inferior or incapable.
Language really frustrates me as well because im constantly translating images to words in my head. I have to rehearse everything in my head before I say it or it comes out wrong or I dont use words correctly. And English is my first language! not to mention I have a very high understanding of words when spoken to me. I had to do an IQ test for ADD testing and at 12 my comprehension was at collage levels. And yet, I cant write or speak anywhere near that level.
Sexuality doesnt seem to be effected by my therianthropy at all. I like women. I'm a lesbian by human definition. I dont see anything to do with being leopard in regards to this at all.